Unrequited love or one sided love refers to the love that is not reciprocated or rewarded, consequently resulting in heartbreak or failed relationships. It is a universal experience which often involves a lot of confusion, self-doubt, and emotional turmoil. Unrequited love invokes the deepest parts of human emotionality, so much so that it has been the forefront of artistic creativity from literature and poetry to art and cinema. Interestingly, they all tend to represent the viewpoint of the character who is suffering from unrequited love, and rarely the character who is being loved but cannot reciprocate. At best, the rejector is portrayed through the perception of the aspiring lover, however, naturally, that perception can be biased. In reality though, it is a very stressful experience for both individuals, because neither wants to be in the uncomfortable and unchartered territory. Unrequited love is an experience that is common yet unique, and worlds apart from that of mutual love.
Mutuality of love
This question of whether ‘receiving’ or ‘giving’ love brings forth contentment is one that is often raised, and the concept of unrequited love makes it quite clear that neither are enough on their own. Giving love without reciprocation causes sorrow and humiliation, and strikes a blow to one’s self-esteem. On the other hand, receiving love without experiencing the same causes confusion, awkwardness, guilt and in some cases annoyance or resentment. Thus, it is only the mutual attribute of love that makes it a pleasant, desirable, fulfilling, and satisfying experience.
Why do people reject love?
How is it that when most people consciously or subconsciously long for a loving relationship, they fail to develop interest in a potential partner, lose interest, or experience a loss of love in an existing relationship? One of the possible reasons include love in ‘platonic relationships’ where there is intimacy as well as mutual liking. Here, one of the individuals can develop romantic feelings for the other, but the feelings are not reciprocated due to the other individual preferring to maintain a platonic relationship instead. Other possible reasons for failed relationships could be misinterpretation of non-verbal cues, a strong desire for someone who is unavailable, or a difference in the intensity of attraction or love. In today’s age of ‘casual dating’, ‘Netflix and chill’, and ‘online dating’, a plethora of questions often arise. Questions such as the exclusivity of the relationship, its level of seriousness, and balance between physical and emotional attraction create chaotic, confused states of minds which lack clarity as well as emotional and intimate boundaries. This significantly increases the likelihood of failed relationships and broken hearts.
Aftereffects of a failed relationship
The distressing aftereffects of a failed relationship are very different for the would-be-lover and the rejector. Initially, the would-be-lover may feel the need to brush off their setback, and believe that persistence will be the route to success in reciprocation. This can be problematic because this persistence comes with different intensities. They may believe that in order to woo their unresponsive partners, all they need to do is make extraordinary, over-the-top gestures such as traveling across the continent at a moment’s notice, or buying extravagant gifts. The lover may also constantly display and communicate their love through obsessive and repeated phone calls, texts, or make plans to spend time with them. These acts are a result of what our culture, media, movies, songs and all the great love stories have taught us all our lives. Unfortunately, more often than not, these efforts are perceived as acts of desperation and do not achieve their purpose. This perception, in turn, causes them to experience disappointment and pain. This experience of their love story is usually different from their partners, for they falsely believed that their attraction was mutual. This may direct them towards a path of hatred and resentment towards that individual because they believe they had been led on through miscommunicated and unclear messages, or because the individual is just a heartless monster. The rejector, on the other hand, might find these efforts painfully unpleasant, and intrusive. They may even find it remarkably difficult to get rid of this persistent lover. Since humans are programmed to form and maintain relationships, the rejector’s role goes against our primal nature and behavior which in turn causes emotional turmoil, frustration, and social awkwardness. The individuals who do not love back the other believe they are morally innocent and yet feel guilty about hurting someone who cared deeply for them. Contrary to popular belief that they enjoy a position of advantage and power and do not feel emotionally distressed from the experience, the rejector may actually feel like they’re forced to respond to unwanted advances, and burdened with unpleasant feelings.
Broader implications
The broader implications of one-sided love involve humiliation for the heartbroken lovers because self-esteem may be central in their experience and they might perceive it as a humiliating blow to their self-esteem. In the case of the rejector, the central problematic implication would be guilt because they believe that they’re inflicting harm and emotional pain on another person, more so if the rejector provided any encouragement to the aspiring lover in the beginning of their relationship. Their unfinished love story thus creates a fork, the lover taking one path while the rejector taking another. The heartbroken lover tries to chase a balance of power in their relationship and does everything they can to restore and rebuild their self-esteem. The rejector on the other hand tries to justify their actions in an attempt to deflect self-blame and reduce guilt. Therefore, both parties end up dissatisfied at the hands of each other.
Closure
In order to get closure, the would-be-lover must recognize the partner’s rejection and focus on healing their self-esteem instead of, or before, trying to fix the “relationship”. The rejector must recognize the partner’s heartbreak and focus on eliminating their guilt first, instead of trying to help the other individual “move on”. Even though unrequited love is emotionally painful with sometimes repetitive patterns that could lead to addiction, it is possible to heal, grow, and move on from the experience. Individuals dealing with this situation can recover through gaining self-awareness, identifying the problem or pattern, acknowledging and accepting their situation, and seeking professional help if needed.
Author,
Sanjana Karnik and Sanjana Kulkarni (co-author)
Clinical and Research Intern, PsychLine.in
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Wotman, S. R. (1994). Breaking hearts: The two sides of unrequited love. Guilford Press.
Baumeister, R. F., Wotman, S. R., & Stillwell, A. M. (1993). Unrequited love: On heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptlessness, and humiliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64(3), 377-394.